Word has it that Shakespeare wrote one of his greatest plays, King Lear, while he was sequestered from the plague. Not to be outdone, I wrote two plays while sequestering from COVID-19. One of them was actually performed. And while it may not have the depth, power, or significance of King Lear, it has two advantages over it: it’s about 300 pages shorter, and there are snakes.
A year ago I was working on an interactive mystery script for a teacher friend’s drama class, when she informed me that the school would have to remain closed. Would it be possible to adapt the script so the actors could perform it remotely, via the Internet?
"No problem," I replied.
But there was a problem. How do you stage a murder mystery when the actors are all in different locations? I came up with what, in my humble opinion, is a pretty neat solution. And if you haven't figured it out (hint: “there are snakes”), the answer will be revealed in scene two.
Murder at Wonder-Comic-Alooza-Con
A Socially-Distant Murder Mystery
Cast of Characters:
CHRIS CARSON: panel moderator
VIVIAN HARDWICK: red-haired creator of Lady Raid and Black Flag, ex-wife of Roger Hardwick and soon-to-be ex-wife of Arthur Laine.
ARTHUR LAINE: creator of Waste Manager and Trashy, soon-to-be ex-husband of Vivian Hardwick
TINA RANDOLPH: actor portraying Jane Johnson, aka “Lady Raid”
PENNY BRIGHT: actor portraying Jane’s younger sister Jill, aka “Black Flag”
ROGER HARDWICK: actor portraying Donald Debris, aka “Waste Manager,” also ex-husband of Vivian Hardwick
BUDDY GRAY: actor portraying Randy Refuse, aka “Trashy,” Waste Manager’s young sidekick
Setting:
The setting is a virtual comic book convention panel discussion during the pandemic. Roger, Buddy, Tina, and Penny are wearing superhero costumes. Tina’s and Penny’s costumes have black capes, Roger’s has a red cape, and Buddy’s costume has no cape.
Scene 1: Introductions
CHRIS: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the final event of Wonder-Comic-Alooza-Con 2021! I’m Chris Carson, your moderator for tonight’s panel. And let me tell you, it’s a dandy. First, we have Vivian Hardwick, creator of Lady Raid and Black Flag. Hello, Vivian!
VIVIAN: Hello, Chris.
CHRIS: Also with us tonight is Arthur Laine, the man responsible for creating the popular Waste Manager and Trashy series.
VIVIAN: Ha! Arthur Laine never “created” anything. He stole every character and plot from somebody else.
ARTHUR: Red, this is neither the time nor the place…
VIVIAN: Don’t call me that!
ARTHUR: What, “Red?” You never used to mind it.
VIVIAN: I never used to mind milk, either—until I discovered that it made me physically ill. Funny—I discovered I was lactose-intolerant about the same time I discovered I was Arthur-intolerant.
CHRIS: Ha-ha. Ladies and gentlemen, as I’m sure you all know, Vivian and Arthur are not only former business partners, but former domestic partners. And Vivian was also once married to another member of our panel—Roger Hardwick, star of Waste Manager and Trashy—so this is sure to be a lively discussion. Now, although none of these people really need introductions, allow me to introduce the rest of our panel.
(As each actor is introduced, they strike a pose and say their catchphrase.)
CHRIS: Tina Randolph as Jane Johnson, better known as “Lady Raid”…
TINA: “Lady Raid’s here!”
CHRIS: Penny Bright as her little sister and pesti-sidekick, Jill Johnson, also known as “Black Flag”…
PENNY: “Bad guys check in, but they don’t check out!”
CHRIS: Roger Hardwick as Donald Debris, aka “Waste Manager”… (No response.) Roger? Roger, can you hear me? Roger, turn on your audio.
(Roger turns on audio, but turns off his camera.)
ROGER: Hello?
CHRIS: Well now we can hear you, but we can’t see you.
ROGER: Hello?
CHRIS: Roger, you need to turn your camera on.
ROGER: How’s that?
CHRIS: It’s still off.
ROGER: Is that better?
CHRIS: Still off, Roger.
ROGER: (He turns his camera on, but we only see the top of his head.) How about now?
CHRIS: Okay, the camera is on, but we can only see the top of your head.
(Roger adjusts the camera, but we still only see part of his face.)
ROGER: How’s that?
CHRIS: Good enough.
ROGER: Hello, everyone!
(There’s an uncomfortable pause.)
CHRIS: Go ahead, Roger.
ROGER: Go ahead with what?
CHRIS: Your catchphrase?
ROGER: Oh, right. “It’s time to take out the trash!” How was that?
CHRIS: Great, Roger, great. Finally, we have Buddy Gray as Randy Refuse, or “Trashy.”
BUDDY: “Good riddance to bad rubbish!”
CHRIS: Since we’ve broached the subject, now is as good a time as any to discuss the rise and fall of VivArt Comics. And who better to talk about the historic pairing of Vivian Hardwick and Arthur Laine than the person who introduced them to each other? Our final guest this evening is the award-winning artist who brought many of your favorite comic book characters to life, including Lady Raid, Black Flag, Waste Manager, and Trashy. Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to introduce Frank Kirby!
(No response. He gives the cue again.)
CHRIS: Here he is, Frank Kirby!
(Still no response.)
CHRIS: Well, apparently Frank is having technical difficulties. Arthur, I was hoping to talk to you and Frank about the new project you’re working on together. Perhaps you can tell us a little bit about that?
ARTHUR: Well, I don’t want to give too much away, but we’re planning to add a new character to the Artistic universe, beginning with the next issue of Waste Manager and Trashy.
VIVIAN: And tell us, who did you steal this idea from, Arthur?
CHRIS: I should point out, for those of you who are unaware of the fact, that Vivian is not only suing Arthur for divorce, but for “Theft of Intellectual Property.” I don’t suppose your lawyers will allow either of you to comment on the lawsuit?
ARTHUR: That’s correct, Chris. No comment.
VIVIAN: Oh, I could give you plenty of comments. However, because this is a family event, I will restrain myself. However, perhaps no one would object if I quoted something from Shakespeare?
ARTHUR: Go ahead, Vivian. You always were a show-off.
VIVIAN: Me? I’m a show-off! This from the guy who thinks he has to imitate Darth Vader every time he puts on a mask. (putting her hand over her mouth) “Luke, I am your father.” It gets old, Arthur.
ARTHUR: As do you.
VIVIAN: Why you, you… “Thou subtle perjur’d, false, disloyal man!”
ARTHUR: Very good! Is that from Richard III?
VIVIAN: No, The Two Gentlemen of Verona.
ARTHUR: See what I mean? Why do English majors feel they have the right to bore everyone to death with Shakespeare?
VIVIAN: Oh, shut up, “You poor, base, rascally, cheating lack-linen mate!”
ARTHUR: Henry IV, if I’m not mistaken.
VIVIAN: Part two.
ARTHUR: Are you finished?
VIVIAN: Just one more, from King Lear: “Thou art a boil, a plague sore, an embossed carbuncle.”
ARTHUR: Ah, “the rule of three.” Well, here’s one for you, Red: “Thou art wasting thy breath, which be no great loss.”
VIVIAN: I don’t recognize that quote. Is it from one of the history plays?
ARTHUR: A comedy: Monkey Business.
VIVIAN: That’s not a Shakespeare play.
ARTHUR: No, it’s a Marx Brothers movie.
VIVIAN: Philistine!
ARTHUR: Snob!
CHRIS: Er, let’s get back to this new character. Anything else you can tell us, Arthur?
ARTHUR: Well, as I was saying, they will make their first appearance in the next issue. On television, they will be introduced in the next crossover episode, which will hopefully air next year. We plan to eventually spin them off into their own series, both in the comics and on television. Like I said, I don’t want to give too much away, but I can tell you that the character is complex—a bit of an anti-hero. “Ambiguous” would be a good word to describe them.
CHRIS: You’re being pretty ambiguous yourself, with your pronouns. You’re not even going to tell us if it’s a man or a woman?
ARTHUR: (smiling) No comment.
CHRIS: And what about the crossover episode. Can you tell us anything about that?
ARTHUR: Not really, no.
CHRIS: How about you, Vivian? Can you tell us anything?
VIVIAN: Nothing—other than the fact that, if it were up to me, there wouldn’t be another crossover. Ever.
CHRIS: Okay. Well, this might be a good time to take break, and I’ll see if I can find out what happened to our missing guest, Frank Kirby. Maybe he can tell us something about these exciting changes coming to the Artistic and Vivacious Universes.
ARTHUR: I wouldn’t count on it.
[Some comic-themed entertainment might be provided during what, under normal circumstances, would be the dinner break. Possibly guests could participate in a costume contest, with a small prize.]
Scene 2: Panel Discussion
CHRIS: Hello everyone, and welcome back to our panel discussion. I’m afraid I have to start things off with some bad news. Frank Kirby is dead.
PENNY: Jeepers!
CHRIS: This isn’t a comedy bit, Penny. Frank really is dead.
PENNY: Golly, Chris. I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to be disrespectful.
TINA: Yeah, she always talks like that.
CHRIS: Really! I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve never heard anyone use the word “jeepers” in real life. It sounds like something your character would say.
PENNY: There was no swearing allowed in our house when I was a kid. My parents had a list of G-rated words we would use instead. They came in handy when I auditioned for the part of Black Flag.
TINA: You should hear her when she’s really upset. It’s freakin’ hilarious.
PENNY: Tina, how many times have I told you not to use the ‘F’ word?
TINA: About the same number of times I’ve told you that “freakin’” is not the ‘F’ word.
PENNY: I don’t care. I find it offensive. The only ‘F’ word I find acceptable is “fun.”
TINA: Well, “fun” you, Penny.
CHRIS: As I was saying, Frank is dead. It looks like murder, which means all of you are suspects.
PENNY: Cheese and crackers! How did it happen?
CHRIS: The police haven’t determined the cause of death, but near the body they found an open box, a black cape, and a note reading: “Karma bites, doesn’t it?” The note was signed, “R.H.”
ROGER: Say, doesn’t Lady Raid wear a black cape?
TINA: So what? Just about everyone in this business wears a cape, including you.
ROGER: Not everyone wears a black cape. Mine is red, like Superman’s.
BUDDY: I’d like to point out that I don’t wear a cape.
TINA: Who cares, Garbage Boy?
BUDDY: It’s “Trashy,” and I just wanted to point out…
CHRIS: Okay. We’ve established that Trashy doesn’t wear a cape, and that Waste Manager wears a red one…
ROGER: Like Superman.
CHRIS: Like Superman.
VIVIAN: Roger, are you also “faster than a speeding bullet?” Because some of us here might like to test you on that.
CHRIS: …but the fact is that only two people on this panel wear black capes: Tina and Penny.
TINA: Yes, and we’re currently wearing them.
(Tina and Penny show their capes.)
ROGER: They probably have a spare, like I do. It’s usually at the cleaner’s.
BUDDY: I keep telling you not to eat in your costume.
(A chorus of dings signals that all of the actors have received a text.)
CHRIS: That’s weird. It sounds like we all got messages at the same time. Mine says… (looking at phone) “Now that you’ve heard the awful news, you could probably use some clues.” It’s from an unknown number, and it’s signed “R.H.”
VIVIAN: (looking at phone) Mine says, “Ask Arthur about Tina,” also signed “R.H.” What’s going on between you and Tina, Arthur? And what does “R.H.” stand for—“Rotten Husband?”
ARTHUR: I, er… We… That is, Tina and I…
TINA: Look, Vivian. I’m sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking, but Arthur and I had an affair. I immediately regretted it, and now it’s over.
BUDDY: Well, I guess that explains my message that says, “Ask Tina about Arthur.”
VIVIAN: I knew there was someone, but I never dreamed it was you, Tina. I must say I’m surprised. I thought you had better taste. When was this?
TINA: Last spring, just before the lockdown.
ARTHUR: You remember, darling. It was about the same time I discovered you were having an affair with Frank. Like Frank’s note said, “Karma bites, doesn’t it?”
TINA: Ouch. And I guess that explains my message: “Ask Vivian about Frank.”
ROGER: Tina, I’m shocked. What about us?
TINA: What on earth are you talking about, Roger?
ROGER: Remember? That last crossover episode?
TINA: Roger, that was our characters. That wasn’t real life.
ROGER: Oh, right.
CHRIS: Penny, what does your message say?
PENNY: I’d rather not say.
TINA: Come on, Penny. Give.
PENNY: It says, “Ask Penny about her church.”
CHRIS: Tell us about your church, Penny.
PENNY: I’d rather not.
CHRIS: It might provide a clue to Frank’s murder.
PENNY: Well not that it’s anyone’s business, but as a matter of fact, I don’t attend a church.
TINA: It probably means the church you were raised in. She was a Pentecostal.
PENNY: Thanks a lot, Tina!
TINA: Sorry, Penny, but I figured everyone knew about it. It was in People magazine.
CHRIS: Pentecostal—isn’t that the one where you speak in tongues and handle snakes?
PENNY: Some do—not all. Anyway, I left the church years ago.
CHRIS: Roger, what does your text message say?
ROGER: What text message?
CHRIS: The one you received from R.H.?
ROGER: Oh. Let’s see. (looks at his phone) It says, “Don’t forget to pick up a loaf of bread.” Oh, wait. That’s from my wife. Here it is: “Ask Buddy what he saw in Arthur’s office. R.H.”
CHRIS: What did you see in Arthur’s office, Buddy?
BUDDY: Well, I’m guessing it refers to the time I walked into Arthur’s office when he was alone with Penny.
VIVIAN & TINA: What?!
PENNY: Shipoopi!
VIVIAN: They keep getting younger and younger, don’t they, Arthur?
TINA: Hey! I’m a year younger than Penny!
VIVIAN: Sorry, dear, but you do look older.
CHRIS: I think that just leaves Arthur. Arthur, what was your message?
ARTHUR: “Who inherits the businesses? R.H.”
CHRIS: I assume the businesses are Artistic and Vivacious. Care to answer the question?
ARTHUR: Well, Frank was a partner in both companies, so when he died, his shares went to Vivian and me. And since we’re technically still married, if anything happens to me, Vivian inherits Artistic.
VIVIAN: And if anything happens to me, Arthur gets Vivacious. I need to make a note to change that as soon as possible. I certainly don’t want him getting his grubby little hands on Lady Raid and Black Flag. Oh, wait—you already had your grubby little hands on them, didn’t you, Arthur?
CHRIS: Whoever this R.H. is, they seem to have a grudge against all of you. Can any of you think who it might be?
ROGER: Richard Harris?
CHRIS: The actor? He’s been dead for twenty years.
ROGER: Rex Harrison?
CHRIS: He’s been dead for thirty years.
ROGER: Rock Hudson?
CHRIS: Can anyone think of a living person with the initials R.H.?
ROGER: Sorry, I’m drawing a blank.
VIVIAN: Roger, darling?
ROGER: What?
VIVIAN: Your initials are R.H.
ROGER. Oh, right.
ARTHUR: Wait a minute… I think I know what “R.H.” stands for.
CHRIS: What?
ARTHUR: Red Heron.
BUDDY: I think you mean Red Herring, Arthur.
ARTHUR: No, Buddy, I mean Red Heron. We’ve had this discussion before.
BUDDY: But “Red Herring” is an expression. It means something.
ARTHUR: It’s a cliché, and it’s a fish. Whoever heard of a comic book character based on a fish?
ROGER: The Penguin?
ARTHUR: What?
ROGER: The Penguin from “Batman.”
ARTHUR: What about him?
ROGER: A character based on a fish.
ARTHUR: Roger, penguins are birds.
ROGER: Oh, right. They do eat fish, though, don’t they?
ARTHUR: Yes, they do.
ROGER: What about Aquaman?
ARTHUR: Again, not a fish.
VIVIAN: Ladies and gentlemen, my two exes. I sure can pick ‘em, can’t I?
CHRIS: I think we’d all like to hear more about this “Red Heron.”
BUDDY: Herring.
CHRIS: Or “Herring.” Arthur?
ARTHUR: It’s “Red Heron,” it’s the name of the new character we’re developing, and I think maybe Buddy and I have already said too much. Everyone at Artistic signed a strict non-disclosure agreement, including me. Isn’t that right, Buddy?
BUDDY: Yes.
CHRIS: Vivian, can you tell us anything?
VIVIAN: I’m afraid not. Everyone at Vivacious had to sign the same NDA when we signed the contract with Artistic. And believe me, if I could get out of that deal with the devil, I would.
CHRIS: Great. Listen, eventually you’re all going to have to talk to the police, and I’m pretty sure they don’t give a rat’s patootie about NDAs, so…
(A doorbell rings at Arthur’s house.)
ARTHUR: Excuse me. Someone’s at the door. I’m going to mute you for a moment.
(Arthur fiddles with his computer, then leaves. When he returns, he has a package. He begins talking, but since the sound is off, he can’t hear or be heard.)
CHRIS: What’s he saying? Arthur? Yo! Arthur! He must have turned off his sound instead of just muting us. (He puts his mouth up to the camera and enunciates each word, so that Arthur can read his lips.) Arthur. Turn. Your. Sound. On.
(Still speaking, Arthur begins to open the box.)
CHRIS: I have a bad feeling about this. (Again enunciating and speaking close to the camera.) Arthur. Do. Not. Open. The. Box.
(Arthur opens the box and removes a note. He reads it to us, but of course, we can’t hear him.)
CHRIS: Arthur! We! Can’t! Hear! You! Turn! On! Your! Sound!
VIVIAN: Oh, my. The suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.
(Vivian produces a bowl of popcorn and begins eating it, as if she were watching a movie. Arthur removes a black cape from the box.)
ROGER: That reminds me, my other cape should have been back from the cleaners’ by now. I’d better give them a call.
(A snake falls out of the cape. Arthur screams silently. Vivian continues to watch and eat popcorn. The others react with gasps and screams as Arthur wrestles with the snake. Penny lets loose a stream of G-rated profanity…)
PENNY: Oh sugar! Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego! Cheese and crackers! Shatner! Oh fun! Fun! Fun! Fun!
(Arthur falls to the floor.)
VIVIAN: Well, now we know what happened to Frank.
CHRIS: Ladies and gentlemen, this concludes our panel discussion. We’re going to take a short break, and I guess I’ll be calling the police—again. You probably have questions for our panel; I know I do. Please submit them by [instructions on how to submit questions]. After the break, we’ll continue with the question and answer segment of the program.
[Break. Audience submits questions.]
Scene 3: Q&A
CHRIS: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the question and answer segment. Our panel—or what’s left of it—will now answer some of the questions you have submitted. But before we get to that, I have a question of my own. In light of recent events, I think it’s safe to say that we no longer need to worry about that non-disclosure agreement. Will one of you please enlighten us about this Red Heron character?
PENNY: Whew! Thank goodness I can tell you what that meeting with Arthur was about. We were not having an affair. Arthur called me to his office to tell me about this new character he and Frank had come up with. Originally, they planned for it to be a man, but they decided Waste Manager and Trashy needed a strong female character, and they wanted me to play her on television. That’s what the crossover episode was going to be about: Black Flag’s transformation into Red Heron.
CHRIS: I see. Did anyone else know about this?
VIVIAN: I knew, of course. I didn’t like the idea of losing Black Flag at first, but Arthur and Frank convinced me, and in the end I had to admit it was a great idea. Of course, that was before I found out that Arthur was cheating on me.
TINA: Are you kidding? Of course I knew about it. Penny couldn’t stop herself from bragging about getting her own show. Lucky bitch.
PENNY: Tina!
TINA: Oh, I’m sorry. Lucky “b-word”—not to mention “a-word” and “c-word.”
CHRIS: Roger? Buddy? Did you know?
BUDDY: Yeah, I heard enough of the conversation when I walked into Arthur’s office to figure it out.
ROGER: Nobody told me, but then nobody ever tells me anything.
CHRIS: Okay, let’s take a look at some questions from the audience.
(Chris reads questions from the audience. Hopefully, there will be some for each character.)
CHRIS: Well, I think I know who killed Frank and Arthur. Do you? Submit your solution—including who committed the murders, how they did it, and why—by [instructions on how to submit solution].
Scene 4: Conclusion
CHRIS: Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time to solve this mystery. Who killed Frank Kirby and Arthur Laine?
TINA: I hate to say it, but it must have been Penny.
PENNY: Me? You’re the one who had an affair with Arthur—probably with Frank, too. You, you…you scarlet woman!
TINA: Maybe so, but I’m not the one who grew up playing with snakes!
CHRIS: Ladies, please! I don’t believe either one of you is the murderer. Tina, you didn’t have a motive for killing Frank and Arthur. And Penny had even less reason to want them dead. Without them, there is no Red Heron, and she’s stuck playing your pesti-sidekick.
PENNY: Yeah. Fun me.
ROGER: What about Vivian? I was married to her for two years, and I can tell you that she is capable of just about anything.
VIVIAN: (sweetly) Why, thank you, Roger. I consider that a compliment. You know, if this was like most mysteries, where it’s the person you’d least expect, you’d be the murderer. No one in their right mind would suspect an idiot like you.
ROGER: Why, thank you, Viv— Hey!
CHRIS: Vivian, you’re a writer. Would you explain the meaning of the phrase “red herring?”
VIVIAN: You mean “Red Heron?”
CHRIS: No, I mean “red herring.”
VIVIAN: Well, in a murder mystery, a “red herring” is a false clue that is intended to mislead, to distract from the actual killer.
CHRIS: Exactly. If we proceed with the assumption that “R.H.” stands for “Red Herring,” I think it’s safe to assume that every so-called clue R.H. provided us with is, in fact, a red herring. In which case, the only real clue to the murderer’s identity must be the clue that was not provided by R.H.—at least not voluntarily.
BUDDY: Which clue is that?
CHRIS: It’s the one you gave us, Buddy. When Arthur first mentioned “Red Heron,” you corrected him. You told him it should be “Red Herring,” because red herring “meant something.” What did you mean by that?
BUDDY: Just that I always thought the character should be called “Red Herring,” that’s all. “Red Heron” doesn’t make sense.
CHRIS: Didn’t you always think that because Red Herring was your idea? The idea you brought to Arthur, hoping you would be paid for it and get to play the character?
BUDDY: No—
CHRIS: Vivian gave us another clue when she told us that Arthur had a habit of stealing ideas from others. Didn’t he steal Red Herring from you, changing the character’s gender and name and claiming the idea was his?
BUDDY: No—
CHRIS: Didn’t you kill Arthur—and Frank—because they killed your chance of becoming rich and famous as the creator and star of your own television series?
BUDDY: All right! Yes! I did it! But that wasn’t the reason! It was because they were going to ruin my idea! Red Herring would have been brilliant—a troubled, misunderstood vigilante who deliberately leaves behind false clues. Whereas Red Heron was destined to be nothing but a stupid, long-legged bird! Well, guess what? It’s not over yet. I have plenty more fine fanged friends! (He ducks down to grab two rubber snakes, which he holds up to the camera one at a time.) Meet “Lady Fang-dango” and “Sir Bites-a-Lot!” (He laughs maniacally.) That’s right, you haven’t heard the last of Red Herring! (The snakes “bite” him, one at a time.) Ow. Ow. (He falls to the floor.)
CHRIS: Well, I guess we have heard the last of Red Herring. Ladies and gentlemen, this concludes our panel discussion—and our mystery.
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