Saturday, November 2, 2013

Don't diss my kisses!

Halloween is over, and once again Loretta and I are left with the task of finishing any candy that was not given out to trick-or-treaters.

It's an unpleasant job, but somebody has to do it.

This is why we always buy Halloween candy that we like. Loretta's favorite is Peter Paul Almond Joys. I prefer Peter Paul Mounds, or for that matter, anything with dark chocolate. Reese's Peanut Butter Cups are good, too—especially the dark chocolate ones.

David Ng and Ben Cohen didn't consult us when they made their "The Candy Hierarchy" chart. They have been posting a version of this chart every Halloween since 2006, claiming that it "represents a thoroughly authoritative attempt to scientifically measure and classify Halloween Candy." Ha! Have you seen it? If not, you should. It's amusing, albeit utterly subjective. Some would go so far as to say biased. I know I would. In fact, I will: The Candy Hierarchy is completely biased.

And completely wrong.

As you may have guessed, I take issue with some of Mr. Ng's and Mr. Cohen's candy rankings. Granted, Reese's deserve a place in the first tier. But where are Almond Joys and Mounds? Arbitrarily assigned to the second tier, along with Tootsie Rolls and Whoppers.

I ask you, who in their right mind would rank Almond Joys and Mounds with Tootsie Rolls?

Now, before you Tootsie Roll fans jump all over me, let me just say that I have nothing at all against Tootsie Rolls. When I was a child, I loved those rock-hard cylinders of—well, whatever it is Tootsie Rolls are made of. "But when I became a man," as the saying goes, "I put away childish candies." I no longer eat Tootsie Rolls, but they will always have a place in my heart, as do all of the favorite candies of my childhood.

Which brings me to my point.

As a child, my favorite Halloween candy was peanut butter kisses—PBK's for short. You know—those chewy nuggets of peanut butter taffy wrapped in orange and black wax paper? And where do you think Ng and Cohen rank my childhood favorite every single year?

At the very bottom, with the dregs of Halloween.

Surely, if they are going to put Tootsie Rolls in the second tier, PBK's deserve a place there. I would even settle for third tier, which would place them on a par with Milk Duds and "Licorice (not black)."* But they aren't even in the bottom tier, which includes "those odd marshmallow circus peanut things"—oh no. They are relegated to the "so low it does not register on our equipment" tier, along with "Pencils," "Generic Acetaminophen," and—gasp!—"Hugs (actual physical hugs)!"

Worse yet, Ng and Cohen have the effrontery to describe my childhood favorites as "anonymous brown globs!" At the very least, have the courtesy to refer to them by their proper name.

"Anonymous brown globs," indeed!

I find such flippant disdain for a perfectly innocuous confection unwarranted and intolerable. I welcome your opinion on the matter. Send me your choices for top-tier Halloween candy. Better yet, send me the candy—especially Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, anything with dark chocolate, and those delightful "anonymous brown globs."

*I assume they mean Red Vines or Twizzlers, which I believe are referred to by some as "red licorice"—a misnomer I have always found infuriating. Licorice is a flavor derived from the root of a plant. So-called red licorice has no licorice in it and tastes nothing like licorice. (I'm not sure what it does taste like—presumably something red.)

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