Liven Up Your Writing with Zombies

"When in doubt, have a man come through the door with a gun in his hand."—Raymond Chandler

"When in doubt, have a man zombie come through the door with a gun brain in his hand."—Seth Grahame-Smith

A few years ago, a young man by the name of Seth Grahame-Smith made a ridiculous amount of money by taking Jane Austen’s novel Pride and Prejudice and adding zombies to it. Pride and Prejudice is judged by many to be one of the greatest novels of all time and certainly needs no improving upon. Unfortunately, because it is in the public domain, it may safely be subjected to such vandalism with impunity. As a writer, my first thought was that Mr. Grahame-Smith was an unprincipled hack, with little or no imagination or talent.

My second thought was, “Why didn’t I think of that?”

Better late than never. Zombies are still pretty popular, so I have decided to take a leaf from Grahame-Smith’s—and Austen’s—book and use the living dead to further my own career. Part of my job as writer/editor at a tax software company is to write advertising copy for our products. I’m always looking for ways to liven things up, so that our customers will actually read our ads before they toss them in the recycle bin or delete them from their inbox. As you can imagine, it’s not easy to come up with anything interesting to say about tax software. Here’s an example:

As we go to press, we still don’t know if and when Congress will pass legislation to extend the AMT patch and Bush tax cuts. However, we have made it easier for you to predict the effect on your clients—whether or not the provisions are extended.

I considered giving you the whole paragraph, but I was afraid I might put you to sleep. Let’s see if we can add some interest by adding some zombies:

As we go to press, we still don’t know if and when Congress will pass legislation to extend the AMT patch and Bush tax cuts. However, as the entire country is being overrun by brain-eating zombies, it probably doesn’t much matter.

Now, isn’t that better? Here’s another example:

For a limited time, we are offering the following 2-for-1 special: purchase both the 2012 and 2013 versions for just $49. Call now to order.

Dull as yesterday’s dishwater. But adding a few zombies...

For a limited time, we are offering the following 2-for-1 special: purchase both the 2012 and 2013 versions for just $49. Call now to order. I mean right now. Because they’re coming to get you, Barbara. In fact, they’re already...

BRAAAINS!!!

...gives it a nice sense of urgency, doesn’t it?

Try it yourself. Take any piece of writing—your own or someone else’s (as long as they’ve been dead for at least a century; otherwise, you might find yourself at the wrong end of a lawsuit)—and sprinkle liberally with zombies.

Fun, isn’t it? And zombies aren’t just for prose; they go great with poetry, too. Here’s a little something I just dashed off with a little help from the late Emily Dickinson:

Because I could not stop for the living dead,
They kindly stopped for me;
The carriage held but just ourselves
And...

BRAAAINS!!!

Emily Dickinson (1830-????)