Scifi Fanfic Mashup

Several years ago a friend asked me to write a brief Doctor Who/Star Trek script for a stage reading at a science fiction convention he was organizing. As a longtime fan of both shows, I found this not merely an easy task, but a labor of love. I only wish I could have been there to see it performed by a group of talented amateurs—all avid fans like myself—and one seasoned professional.

Actor Tim Russ—Commander Tuvok from Star Trek: Voyager—was appearing at the convention and deigned to read the part of Tuvok. In my silly little script.

As Jodie Whittaker’s Doctor might say, I was beyond chuffed.

Doc Trek

Scene 1: Bridge of the Star Ship Enterprise, NCC-1701

(Characters: Doctor #10, Captain James T. Kirk, members of the Enterprise crew, and the ship’s computer)

KIRK: Captain’s log, star date 4949.5. A strange object has been sighted in the vicinity of Uranus…

(Stifled laughter from crew.)

KIRK: What’s so funny? Did I say something amusing, Mr. Chekov?

CHEKOV: (attempting to stifle laugh) No, Captain.

KIRK: Lieutenant Uhuru, does something I said seem funny to you?

UHURU: (stifling laugh) No, Captain.

KIRK: Not even…Uranus?

UHURU: (barely able to contain it) No, Captain.

KIRK: What about you, Mr. Sulu? Does Uranus amuse you?

UHURU: Oh myyy.

(Unstifled laughter from crew.)

KIRK: That’s enough! As I was saying, a strange object has been sighted in the vicinity of Uranus…

MCCOY: Jim?

KIRK: Dr. McCoy?

MCCOY: Is it a Kling-on?

(Uproarious laughter.)

KIRK: Bones, I’m surprised at you.

MCCOY: Sorry, Jim. I couldn’t resist.

KIRK: Never mind. Spock, what can you tell us about the object?

SPOCK: It is a rectangular solid, blue in color, roughly 1.5 by 1.5 by 2.5 meters. There appears to be a sign on it, in English: “Police Telephone. Free for use of public.”

KIRK: A phone booth? In outer space?

SPOCK: Not a phone booth, Captain. A “police box”—a relic of 20th century England, used by members of the police force as a miniature police station, and by members of the public to contact the police.

(TARDIS sound effect. The Doctor enters.)

DOCTOR: Hello! I’m the Doctor.

CREW: Doctor who?

DOCTOR: Ah, if I had a ha’penny for every time someone said that to me!

KIRK: How did you get here?

DOCTOR: My TARDIS.

KIRK: Your what?

DOCTOR: TARDIS. It’s an acronym. It stands for “Time And Relative Dimension In Space.”

KIRK: You’re kidding.

DOCTOR: I didn’t say it was a good acronym. What date is this?

KIRK: Star date 4949.5.

DOCTOR: Star date? What’s a star date? Don’t tell me I’ve come so far into the future that humans have forgotten how to use a calendar. Wait—you are human, aren’t you? Well, you’re probably not. Not with those ears.

SPOCK: I am half-human, on my mother’s side.

DOCTOR: Interesting! And the other half?

SPOCK: Vulcan.

DOCTOR: Vulcan? Vulcan, Vulcan, Vulcan… nope, never heard of it.

SPOCK: Perhaps you have heard of the Romulans. They are distant relatives.

DOCTOR: No. Sorry.

SPOCK: The Klingons? The Cardassians?

DOCTOR: No, and—wait. Perhaps I have heard of the Cardassians. Are they the ones whose stepfather is now their stepmother?

SPOCK: I don’t believe so.

DOCTOR: Then no.

KIRK: Will you please tell me what you are doing on the bridge of my ship?

DOCTOR: Ah yes, your ship. What ship is it?

KIRK: The U.S.S. Enterprise.

DOCTOR: Ah, but which Enterprise?

KIRK: What do you mean, “Which Enterprise?”

DOCTOR: Are you Captain James Tiberius Kirk?

KIRK: Yes, I am.

DOCTOR: Really? I thought you’d be much bigger.

SULU: Funny, that’s what the ladies always say.

KIRK: Mr. Sulu!

SULU: Sorry, Captain.

KIRK: (to the Doctor) How do you know my name?

DOCTOR: I’m afraid there’s no time for explanations; you must all come with me immediately. Your lives may depend upon it.

KIRK: Not until you answer some questions. Who are you and where do you come from?

DOCTOR: Not that it will mean anything to you, but I’m a Time Lord from the planet Gallifrey.

KIRK: Computer, what can you tell us about the planet Gallifrey?

COMPUTER: Nothing.

KIRK: Explain.

COMPUTER: There is absolutely nothing in my database concerning a planet named “Gallifrey.” Zero, zip, zilch, nada, squat, bupkis…

KIRK: All right. Thank you, computer. Well, Doctor?

DOCTOR: Well, I can’t say I’m surprised. Different universes: I’ve never heard of Vulcans; you’ve never heard of Time Lords. Nice computer, by the way. Very sexy voice.

COMPUTER: Thank you, Doctor.

SPOCK: Captain, I believe he is telling us that he comes from an alternate universe. Doctor, are we to assume that you traveled here through space in that…box?

DOCTOR: Yes, and through time as well.

SPOCK: Fascinating.

KIRK: A time traveler, eh? You know, we’ve done a bit of time traveling ourselves. Once, we wound up in 20th New York, and I met this amazing woman…

DOCTOR: Yes, yes. Look, Captain, I’m afraid we don’t have time to hear about your romantic exploits right now. Right now, what we need is some action.

SULU: Funny, the ladies are always telling him that, too.

KIRK: Mr. Sulu, I’m warning you!

DOCTOR: All of you need to come with me immediately. As I said, your lives depend upon it.

SPOCK: Captain, I advise caution. Time travel can be extremely dangerous. Supposing one of us were to meet himself at a younger age and change the course of his life? An alternate universe might be created, in which we were all completely different people…

DOCTOR: I wouldn’t worry about that; it happens to me all the time. Now, come along—everyone into the TARDIS!

KIRK: How can we possibly all fit in there?

DOCTOR: Don’t worry. It’s bigger than it looks.

SULU: As the Captain is always saying to the ladies.

KIRK: Sulu!

SULU: Sorry, Captain. It slipped out. Oh myyy!

KIRK: Everyone shut up and get into the TORTIS.

DOCTOR: TARDIS.

KIRK: TARDIS.

MCCOY: Dammit, Jim, I’m a doctor, not a time-traveler!

DOCTOR: Who says you can’t be both? Allons-y!

(TARDIS sound effect.)

Scene 2: Bridge of the Star Ship Enterprise, NCC-1701-D

(Characters: Doctor #11, Captain Jean Luc Picard, members of the Enterprise-D crew, and the ship’s computer)

(TARDIS sound effect.)

DOCTOR: Hello! I’m the Doctor.

CREW: Doctor who?

DOCTOR: Ah, I never get tired of hearing that! —is something I have never said in all of my many lives.

PICARD: Where did you come from, and what are you doing on the bridge of my ship?

DOCTOR: Well, originally I’m from Gallifrey.

PICARD: Computer, what can you tell us about Gallifrey.

COMPUTER: Nothing. Zero, zip, zilch, nada, squat, bupkis. However, I have met the Doctor before. Hello, Doctor.

DOCTOR: Hello, you sexy computer, you!

COMPUTER: Funny, you sound…different.

DOCTOR: Funny, you sound exactly the same. (to Picard) Are you Captain Jean Luc Picard?

PICARD: Yes, I am.

DOCTOR: Good! Round up your crew, and come with me.

PICARD: I most certainly will not. I demand an explanation…

WESLEY: Excuse me…

PICARD: Not now, Wesley. You suddenly appear on my ship from God knows where…

WESLEY: Excuse me…

PICARD: I said not now, Wesley. And you expect me to drop everything and…

WESLEY: Excuse me…

PICARD: Shut up, Wesley!

DOCTOR: Shut up, Wesley? Is that any way to treat a young man with an inquiring mind? Go ahead, Wesley. What is it?

WESLEY: Why are you wearing that stupid bowtie?

DOCTOR: Because bowties are cool.

WESLEY: No, they’re not.

DOCTOR: Shut up, Wesley!

TROI: Captain, I sense that the Doctor is sincere and is trying to help us.

DOCTOR: Hello! What’s your name?

TROI: Deanna Troi.

DOCTOR: You must be an empath.

TROI: I’m half Betazoid, on my mother’s side.

DOCTOR: I don’t know what that means, but it sounds very cool.

RIKER: Back off, buster.

DOCTOR: It’s “Doctor,” and you must be Commander Riker.

RIKER: You’ve heard of me?

DOCTOR: Who hasn’t heard of the brave, handsome, incredibly cool, Commander Will Riker?

RIKER: (flattered) Well…

DOCTOR: Don’t be modest. You’re a legend!

TROI: A legend in his own mind.

RIKER: Hey!

PICARD: That will be all, Number One. Commander Data, I would like your input on the situation.

DATA: I do not understand, Captain. I can provide no input. I can only provide output, based upon the input I receive.

DOCTOR: You’re an android.

DATA: And you’re a Time Lord.

PICARD: Data, do you know this person?

DATA: I have access to the same information as the ship’s computer, Captain—which tells me that nearly a century ago, the Doctor encountered another Enterprise crew.

COMPUTER: I told you!

DOCTOR: That’s right, and I’m here to tell you the same thing I told them: (impersonating Arnold Schwarzenegger) “Come with me if you want to live!”

CREW: What?

DOCTOR: Sorry. I heard that in a movie once, and I’ve always wanted to say it.

CREW: Oh.

DOCTOR: Seriously, though, come with me if you want to live. Now.

PICARD: How can the entire crew possibly fit in that thing?

DOCTOR: Dimensional transcendentalism.

PICARD: What?

DATA: It’s bigger on the inside.

PICARD: Ah! So it is. Very well, then—Doctor, make it so!

DOCTOR: Engage!

(TARDIS sound effect.)

Scene 3: Bridge of the Star Ship Voyager, NCC-74656

(Characters: Doctor #12, Clara Oswald, Captain Kathryn Janeway, members of the Voyager crew, and the ship’s computer)

(TARDIS sound effect.)

DOCTOR: Hello! I’m the Doctor!

JANEWAY: Doctor who?

DOCTOR: Don’t start!

JANEWAY: And who are you?

CLARA: I’m Clara Oswald. I’m here to translate for him. Sometimes the burr gets a bit thick.

DOCTOR: Yes, well sometimes you can be a bit thick yourself, Clara Oswald.

CLARA: No need to be rude, Doctor.

JANEWAY: Where did you come from, and what are you doing on the bridge of my ship?

DOCTOR: Clara’s from Earth. I’m from Gallifrey.

JANEWAY: I’m sorry, I didn’t quite catch that.

CLARA: I’m from Earth.

JANEWAY: Yes, I got that.

CLARA: He’s from Gallifrey.

JANEWAY: Never heard of it. Computer, can you tell us anything about Gallifrey?

COMPUTER: Gallifrey? I have a friend from Gallifrey! Is that you, Doctor?

DOCTOR: Hello, Computer!

COMPUTER: You sound very different: more mature and…do I detect a hint of Scotch?

DOCTOR: I never drink when I’m on duty.

SHIP’S DOCTOR: Captain, according to the computer’s database…

COMPUTER: I thought I told you to stay out of my database, you nosy hologram!

SHIP’S DOCTOR: Computer, as I have explained time and again, as ship’s doctor, I must have access…

COMPUTER: You should at least have the good manners to ask permission!

SHIP’S DOCTOR: (sighs) Very well. Computer, may I access your database?

COMPUTER: You didn’t say please.

SHIP’S DOCTOR: May I please access your database?

COMPUTER: Very well.

SHIP’S DOCTOR: As I was saying, Captain, the Doctor has previously visited both the crew of the original Enterprise and the crew of the Enterprise-D.

JANEWAY: But how is that possible?

SHIP’S DOCTOR: He’s a time traveler.   /   DOCTOR: I’m a time traveler.

SHIP’S DOCTOR/DOCTOR: Sorry, Doctor.

SHIP’S DOCTOR: Sorry. Perhaps, you should explain.

DOCTOR: Never mind. There’s no time for explanations. It’s imperative that you all come with me immediately, in my TARDIS.

JANEWAY: In your what?

CLARA: In his TARDIS.

JANEWAY: In his what?

CLARA: It’s his ship. What we came in. That blue box over there.

JANEWAY: Let me get this straight. You expect my entire crew to get inside that thing?

CLARA: It’s actually quite roomy on the inside.

JANEWAY: You’re not serious!

DOCTOR: Captain, do you see these eyebrows? These eyebrows are always serious. Now, mackashaw!

JANEWAY: What?

CLARA: “Let’s go.”

JANEWAY: I don’t know…

TUVOK: Doctor, in your encounter with Captain Kirk and his crew, do you recall meeting a man named Spock?

DOCTOR: Ah, yes! The Vulcan—well, half-Vulcan. And I see by your ears that you are a Vulcan as well, Mr...?

TUVOK: Tuvok. Yes, that is correct. Tell me, Doctor, what did Spock say when you asked the Enterprise crew to accompany you?

DOCTOR: Well, that was many years and at least two lifetimes ago. As I recall he advised caution, but in the end, he agreed to come.

TUVOK: That’s good enough for me. Captain, I advise caution as well. However, if two Enterprise crews agreed to accompany the Doctor in his ship, I believe we should do so as well.

JANEWAY: All right, you heard the man. Mackashaw!

(TARDIS sound effect.)

Scene 4: A Science Fiction Convention

(Characters: everyone. TARDIS sound effect x 3.)

DOCTORS: Here we are!

PICARD: Yes, but where’s here?

DOCTOR #10: It's a scifi con.

KIRK: Khan? You mean he’s still alive? Where is he? KHAN!

DOCTOR #11: Not “Khan,” K-H-A-N. “Con,” C-O-N. As in short for “Convention.”

JANEWAY: You brought us to a convention?

DOCTOR #12: Oh, not just any convention. A science fiction convention.

JANEWAY: And why did you bring us to a science fiction convention?

KIRK: Yes. Correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you say our lives were in danger?

DOCTOR #10: No, what I said was, “Your lives may depend on it.”

DOCTOR #11: And I said, “Come with me if you want to live.”

DOCTOR #12: And I said, “Mackashaw!”

CLARA: "Let's go."

PICARD: But why all the urgency—for a convention?

TUVOK: It is illogical.

SPOCK: Highly illogical.

KIRK: That’s right. We shouldn’t be in here. We need to be out there. We need to boldly go where no man has gone before!

JANEWAY: Excuse me?

PICARD: Where no one has gone before.

JANEWAY: That’s better.

DOCTOR #10: Yes, but the only reason you are able “to boldly go”—which, by the way, is terrible grammar; the correct syntax is, “to go boldly”—the only reason you are able to be “out there,” or indeed anywhere—is because of these people in here. (gesturing to fans) Your fans. If not for them, you would not exist. None of us would.

DOCTOR #11: That’s right. Our lives quite literally depend on them. So let’s all show them some love, shall we? (Leads cast in applauding audience.)

DOCTOR #12: And now, what do you say we all go have some fun at this convention! Mackashaw!

CAST: Mackashaw!*


*As you no doubt discovered if you tried to Google it, "Mackashaw" is not a real word. It's the phoneticization of a phrase I found in a Wikipedia article on Highland English whilst searching for something both Scottish and incomprehensible. "But," I hear you hardcore Whovians say, "Peter Capaldi isn't a Highlander; he's from Glasgow." To which I reply, "I don't care."