Star Wars: The Trailers

Last weekend we went to see the new Star Wars movie. I'm a pretty big Star Wars fan, and I had considered blogging my impressions of the movie. However everyone is doing that, so I decided to do something different: I decided to write about the accompanying trailers.

Below are some of the thoughts that went through my head as I watched the previews of coming attractions before Star Wars: The Force Awakens. They were all in 3-D, so put your glasses on now.

Brace yourself. Movie trailers these days are an assault on the senses. I knew I should have brought my ear plugs.

Kung Fu Panda? Okay, this isn't bad. No loud music or explosions. It's not good, either. Have you ever noticed that they always put the best jokes in the trailer? That does not bode well for Kung Fu Panda 3. Wait—there was a Kung Fu Panda 2?

Now THIS is what a trailer should be: lots of noise and loud music. But what the hell is it? Some kind of Lord of the Rings spin-off? I'm confused. These guys say they are orcs, but it looks like they're the good guys—or at least some of them are good guys. Warcraft? This must be based on a video game. No wonder I'm confused.

Batman vs. Superman! Cool! And Michael Cera as Lex Luthor! Or is that Jesse Eisenberg? I always get those two confused. This looks like fun and apparently is not, as the title would suggest, a courtroom drama. Wonder Woman?! ALL RIGHT!!!

This must be the new Independence Day movie I heard about. The first one was ridiculous; I can't believe they made a sequel. No, wait. This is ANOTHER apocalyptic alien invasion movie: The 5th Wave. Ugh. Haven't we had enough of apocalypse movies?

Okay, THIS is Independence Day. Because there's Jeff Goldblum, and there's a big spaceship. No sign of Will Smith, though; he's moved on to better things. I wonder how Jeff will defeat the aliens this time? As I recall, last time he was able to plug his Apple laptop into their spaceship (because everyone knows aliens are Apple-compatible). This time it should be even easier: he can use Bluetooth and his iPhone.

It looks like the X-Men are back, and it must be another prequel, because Professor X has hair. X-Men: Apocalypse. Did I mention that I'm tired of apocalypse movies? But it IS the X-Men—and look, now the professor is bald. Guess he loses his hair in the apocalypse.

This is some scary stuff: a little kid lost in the jungle, threatened by ferocious animals. Lions and tigers and bears, and... a snake? Wait—is this The Jungle Book? You've got to be kidding. They turned a fun, animated film into a terrifying live-action movie. WTF Disney? Okay, it can't be live-action, but it's extremely realistic CGI. A little kid floating down the river on the belly of an ANIMATED bear is cute.  A little kid floating down the river on the belly of a REAL bear is creepy as hell—ESPECIALLY with "Bare Necessities" playing eerily in the background.

Is this a remake of Titanic? No, it can't be, because it's "based on true events." If you get seasick, DO NOT SEE THIS MOVIE—especially in 3-D. The Finest Hours? I don't think I could stand even a few finest minutes of this.

Good thing it's time for the feature.